I am just so lost at the moment. As my mum keeps saying, the world is my oyster and I don’t know what to do with it.
The plan was to move back to Vancouver after Europe, until my visa was refused which caused me to start making a plan B which would be to move to Melbourne. Plan B has now become a serious contender to become plan A, even though I am allowed back in to Canada and can pursue the original plan A.
I think it’s just stuck in my head that this is the end of my traveling. That has never changed. After Europe, a house and a career come to the foreground and I would like to start thinking about that special someone, although I am still in the mindset that that will happen when I’m not actively seeking it.
I can’t seem to decide whether I want to live in Melbourne or Vancouver. They both have everything I am looking for within a city; good transport, good cafes, water, and mountains close by. The only thing that’s causing this hitch in the plan is the thought of what happens if I do meet that someone, and that I meet them in Vancouver, and they are Canadian.
Which, don’t get me wrong, I love Canadians and I would probably be happier marrying a Canadian than an Australian, but when it comes to living and families, I think I want to be in Australia, near-ish to my parents, well at least not a 15 hour flight away.
I am still a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I just can’t pick this one; was I refused my first visa to make me consider another option, or was I approved in the end because I am supposed to go back.
I also can’t seem to shake the thought that I’d like to live in Vancouver with that special someone. I would love to meet an Australian and be able to take them to my favourite city.
I haven’t booked any flights or anything just yet, because I am still so unsure. I hope that traveling through Europe will give me the insight that I will need to progress.
Just had a wonderful catch up with Olivia, of which we sat in a café for three hours and just talked, mulled over our lives and our direction, discussed the past year, and everything in between.
I’ve come away from this afternoon feeling refreshed, and happy. She couldn’t believe the things Kelly said to me, and reassured me that I am a good person. She went through high school with me and has seen me a lot worse and she’s still my friend.
She’s such a wonderful person as well, and it encourages me so much. She’s so genuine, down to earth and friendly and it drives me to be like that, too.
It’s reminded me that we do go through the things we do in life for a reason, and to learn lessons. And in that respect, I’m really happy that I can commute up the mountains once more, because I want to learn patience. I want to relax a little with life, to take it more as it comes, go with the flow. I want to learn to be calm, as well, to take away any pride that I feel, and to care less about the things that don’t matter.
All that matters in life, is love. I’ve had a rough year, but I’m going to turn it around this year. I’m going to be a person that I like again, and I’m going to show love and kindness to all those around me in the hope of improving their days, and bringing a smile to their faces.
It’s made me consider the situation with Jenn, again; and I think that I was blind to how much Dan meant to her, and if I had been a good friend, then I would have supported her in that, and accepted him. I might message her later and just see if she’d like to have coffee.
Also, with Melbourne vs. Vancouver, Olivia’s made me see that perhaps Vancouver is the place to be. She explained that for hotel management in Australia, you need a degree, and just thinking about the vibe, the people and such. I think Vancouver may be where I need to be, until I am strong enough in myself to be a good person no matter what.
Yes, it was a good catch up and she is such a good friend. I really am vey lucky with the people I have in my life, with Brenna and Olivia and Nicky and Rusdi, and I still have that idea that maybe these people are in my life so that I can learn from them, to become a better me.
And with that thought, I accept that challenge. Bring it on.
I’m having one of those life crisis again. I don’t know who I am nor who I want to be, and unfortunately it’s not one of those things where you can sit down and figure it out. These questions are big, and they take time.
As lonely as I am, and as much as I wish Paul and me will still be on good terms, just so that I have that someone to love me and hold me and tell me it’s gonna be ok, I think I need this time by myself, just to figure a few things out without the influence of other people, and without leaning on someone so strongly for something so important. I knew last night, when it was hurting me that he was leaving, that I am so vulnerable right now.
I really have been a terrible person though, and I made a lot of mistakes last year. I got caught up in my own life, and my own problems, and forgot to care about those around me. I think that if there is only one thing for me to focus on this year, it is to be a good person. To learn to love again.
In this past year, I’ve lost myself, and I’ve lost my ability to care about things. I don’t care about questioning the world anymore, and I don’t care about being different and unique. I just want to exist, and that’s no way to live. I think I just need to focus on what’s actually important again; that there is a severe lack of love within this world, and that ranges from something as small as letting someone merge in the traffic, to the fact that there are children dying from starvation every day. I need to become passionate about this again, and to start actively trying to change the world, one smile and one act of kindness at a time.
I think that’s a good place to start, too. Just remembering to be calm, and to love, and hopefully everything from there, falls in to place.
There is still this whole issue with Paul though. I just need to get this worry off my chest; I was the worst person on this planet to him, I treated him like shit. These past couple of days with him have been so wonderful, and I just don’t understand why. Why is he being so nice to me? He owes me nothing, and should be treating me like dirt. I owe him everything and it just makes me worry, is he doing this to hurt me? I know he’s not that kind of person, but I can’t see any other reason why he would even want to lay his eyes on me. Why has he come back to me? Especially when he’s got all those girls at the pub. And It’s affecting me so much this time as well, I want him to like me, and I’m doing everything I can for him, because I do owe him, but I’m so scared that every time he leaves, he’ll never come back and I just worry that I’m going to be the one getting seriously hurt this time, which honestly, is what I deserve. I want to be cautious about this, but I also think I deserve to be royally fucked over by him. It just hurts me so much to think, after having read through our old messages, of how much he needed me and yet I abandoned him and hurt him, I threw away something wonderful because I couldn’t open my eyes and appreciate that it was right in front of me. And these last two days have just rubbed salt in to that wound.
So go find someone who fucks you right and treats you how you deserve to be treated.” – (via fuckinq)