What an emotional night and day. Holy moly. I’ve lost another one of my ‘best’ friends. Honestly, it’s getting to the point where it’s going to stop phasing me I feel like I lose that many friends.
It wasn’t all in vain though, I was given the biggest reality check I’ve possibly ever received, and although it hurt ALOT it was needed and almost appreciated. I also had a long train trip today which I was able to sit down and have a serious think about what the fuck I’m doing.
Basically I was accused of being self-centered. Just in alot more hurtful words than that; I am oblivious to other people’s problems, but when I have a problem it’s all about me, making everything about myself, without regard for how I’m treating others and always play the victim.
I had a lot of responses to this,I basically wrote for an entire two hours this morning.
It made me a little angry because everything she’s said about me is how I felt about her, and yet I can’t tell her that because she thinks she’s walking gold and won’t believe a word I say. Plus it would just make her even more angry. And again with these situations, I’m always the one that apologises and scrambles to pick up the pieces and make amends. I need to be stronger in myself and be ok not to be friends with some people.
That then leads in to the thought that I feel like this all stems from my fear that secretly everyone hates me. I wasn’t strong enough in my personality, nor confident enough to be sure that it was ok I was staying at Kelly’s and as a result, was told the above.
I also feel like there is a trend happening, and I’ve noticed it before and haven’t failed to notice it this time as well; that it’s those closest to me that I lose: Jenn, Isabelle, Kiesha, Kelly, Nick. They all come away cursing me, and I feel like I’ve been missing the biggest sign of all.
I can see how she can say all the things she has said, and despite what others say, I know it’s true. I know I am this person. I concluded the days thoughts with this; Not to say there’s an easy explanation for it all but I have a habit of getting caught up in myself sometimes, forgetting that everyone has their own worlds full of problems, and I need frequent reality checks. Nobody is perfect and that is one of my many flaws, as well as reading things into things that are not there. I just overthink everything and worry too much about what others think. Another crucial, yet unfortunately, strongly in-built flaw. I wouldn’t call it the victim card, more the I-worry-everyone-hates-me card from my critically low self confidence level.
It’s unfortunate that it got to this point. I had mentioned this in my diary during India, had spoken to Adam about it; I just was not feeling myself during that India trip, and I was also worried that what I was writing about Kelly was more of a reflection of myself, then her. In hindsight, I think it was a mix of a reflection of myself and what I was seeing in Kelly. In terms of India, I guess it was all a bit overwhelming and I wasn’t quite prepared for it and I had looked to Kelly for support but she didn’t see it that way. I knew that I needed a good reality check, and that I had been hardened to the world, I just hadn’t realised it had got as bad as it had. I was hoping India would provide for me in terms of my reality check, but it didn’t. The events afterwards didn’t fail to provide, though. .
I always come from these situations saying the same thing, and this time round is no different; I need to be conscious of my actions and my attitude, become sensitive to others needs and learn to CARE again, and also to see things from other people’s perspectives. To stop, think and FEEL.
Until my next reality check!
There’s just so much on my mind this evening! I find it refreshing that I’m able to think and write so openly, it makes me feel I am on the mend.
Reading all these erotica novels, it’s making me so horny, to the point where I probably took it too far with Adam last night. I hope he still knows it’s just a little fun, nothing more. Feeling like this is making it hard for me to deal with Sam, also. It’s taking all of me not to send him a message telling him to come over right now.
In saying that, though, I’m starting to develop a clearer picture of the man I want to eventually marry. I think that the main characteristic has to be the ability to talk openly with me about our emotions and feelings, our thoughts of the world, and our hopes and fears. I want a romantic, who treats me with flowers and dinner, and will bring me breakfast in bed. And I want someone who enjoys our own company, someone who prefers to spend a night in with popcorn and a movie over going out and having to yell at each other and then, come Saturday, someone to snuggle in with me, with a cup of tea and a good book. And honestly, apart from the physical side, that’s all I’m looking for. And I know he’s out there somewhere:)
Watching the news these past two nights, I’ve noticed a trend in the stories being aired; they’re all about death, stabbings and robberies, all negative topics.
It just makes me wonder about the influence on our moods watching and hearing about stories like this each and every day of our lives. If it has an impact at all, and if so, the extent of that impact. Would it be plausible to claim that these stories are causing a huge, vicious cycle within themselves; the viewing of them causing more to be made?
It would be interesting to initiate an experiment where the news that was broadcast each night was purely positive, uplifting topics, and to study any change in behaviour that occurred as a result. If it made our nation friendlier, and happier or if what we watch actually has no influence on our behaviour.
People say that ‘we are what we eat’, and that ‘we are what we read’, even. So surely saying ‘we are what we watch’ isn’t that far of a gamble from the truth.
Sometimes, I get quite down about my life. Looking at the people I went to school with and what they have achieved in the four years since school. Most are either married, engaged, with a child or have graduated university. And me? Well, I still work entry- level jobs and live at home.
Just before, though, I was looking around my room and realised I have actually done quite well for myself. Sure, I haven’t got a piece of paper saying I can memorise a bunch of dates, and I haven’t started a career yet. But what I do have, is memories of a life well lived.
I’ve got the classic worldy possessions; the tv, the laptop, the car, some decent luggage and a bunch of clothes. What I also have, though, that goes mostly unrivalled by my colleagues, are souvenirs from around the world, with more to come. I’ve seen a fair chunk of the world, and a fair chunk of it will be seen within the coming year.
Like I say, I’ve got no solid relationship, and no career, but what I do have is something that I would not change for the world; the friends, the experiences, the ups, the downs and the sights. And honestly, I’ve got a whole lifetime ahead of me to work on my career, whereas traveling doesn’t have as wide of a door.
In my present state, I’ve got just as much, if not more, than everyone else and I need to stop worrying about leaving it too late to start a career and find a husband, because, it’s not.
I believe I am coming closer to discovering the reason why I get hurt by the opposite sex so much.
Right now, I am struggling with Sam. He’s replied and is seemingly apologetic for practically ignoring me for three weeks. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stand firm.
It hurt a lot to be ignored like that, for no reason that was explained to me. It was like he just dropped off the face of the earth. I came out of that strong in myself and what I wanted to happen; he was gone from my life. I had concluded that that’s not how you treat the girl you’re supposed to be seeing, and that I deserved better than that.
However, I’ve just fallen in to the trap of looking at it from his perspective. He didn’t need to reply to me at all, especially after what I had said, and yet he did, and he apologised. So now the ball is back in my court and I’m being that bitchy girl that’s ignoring him for no reason and is all up on her high horse about him having a life and not talking to her enough.
Looking at it, I think it all stems from my lack of self confidence. I never believe in myself that I can pull a guy and then when I do, I shouldn’t let them go. So I keep forgiving them, and overlooking the actions that one shouldn’t overlook, just from my fear of rejection.
It’s a vicious, vicious cycle and I’m stuck in it, trying desperately to escape.
Today, I have not been able to beat this feeling of being a child. It’s a strange feeling; being insecure and doubting myself and the world around me.
I have this trip to New York coming up, and I honestly can’t see myself being a world traveller again. It’s like I’ve lost my independence through doing that trip with Kelly and allowing her to wear the pants, so that now I can barely stand on my own two feet. Then I picture myself flying the coup, and it’s another thing that isn’t coming up as vividly as it should. I think it’s almost fear that I see instead.
Right now I’m just being overwhelmed by just wanting to be held by a friend (I do have one in mind), and told that it’s gonna be ok, that I’ll find myself again and I’ll be strong enough to go out once more in to the world. The world seems such a huge and intimidating place once more, and I don’t want to leave the comfort zone my house has become.
I’m looking at all the things I’ve accomplished with my life so far, all the traveling I have done and it seems unbelievable that that was the same person as who I feel I am sitting here.
Perhaps traveling with a friend was more damaging then I ever realised. I also think that’s something that I’ll need to be aware of in a relationship in the future; not to rely on the other and be aware of my ability to stand on my own feet.
Which links in to the next idea plaguing my mind; marriage. I’ve watched so much of The Bachelor recently and the thought keeps popping up that these girls are incredibly attractive, and yet, they’re older and clearly had trouble finding someone to settle down with otherwise they wouldn’t be on this show. That makes me worry, so much. I’m no where near as attractive as them, not in a way that’s negative and depressive and ‘oh I hate myself’, it’s just a reality, and one that I am reasonably comfortable with. And don’t get me wrong, I do have hope that I will find someone, I know I will, I just also have the fear that I won’t, and I don’t like being told off for having a perfectly reasonable fear.
I can’t really tell you why I’m so worried about not finding someone, and why the thought of growing old alone terrifies me. I can tell you, though, that that fear is getting stronger and stronger. However, it’s not something that I can suffice whilst I am traveling so much, to have a solid relationship and yet, there’s a growing part of me that just wants to settle down, to start decorating my own house, to get a puppy and start a real life.
It’s going to be a challenge, I think, not to latch on to every guy that comes my way but rather stand strong and let the right one chase me, but I will centre myself and gather myself together, and we will be ok.
It’s been an eventful month! India happened, and it was incredible. But now I am home, and dealing with things in this country.
Talking to Adam as I sit here, I am surprising myself, my philosophical side is really coming up trumps at the moment, and I just came out with a statement that is almost quotable. That makes me really happy, the language that I’m using, the encouragement and support I am sending, it makes me happy, and it feels right; to be talking like this.
It’s also been a surprise to me when he told me how he’s going on the girl front. The one emotion that I never expected to feel with him, is the one I felt; a pang of jealousy. That makes me very, very worried. Sure, we get along really well, we’ve got similar mind sets and we can talk and not run out of things to say and yet, I just don’t want him that way, and I don’t want to, either.
Another something that’s come up in conversation tonight, is that I know more than anyone in regards to himself. That’s the second time someone has claimed that of me, Nick being the first. He’s been really helpful in my understanding of why. Previously I would have claimed not to know why people open up to me as much as they do. Now, however, I can say that apparently I am a genuine, kind person, a ‘special’ person who is trustable. That means so much. I don’t think people understand how much when they tell me things like that of myself, and also when they do confide in me. I’ve just switched on to the knowledge that that’s all I want for people, to be there for them, to help them. It makes me happy doing that.
Then, not for much longer, but still a little, there is Sam. I’m really happy with how I’ve handled this whole situation. I haven’t cried, and I haven’t completely lost it at him either. I have, however, been hurt once more, and left feeling like a used toy on the side of the road, as he speeds off into the distance, probably with another girl, laughter echoing in their wake. The book I’ve just finished reading was the perfect read for this situation though. I have come to the conclusion that I deserve (not out of self-righteousness - just common human rights) a man that is going to love me -literally- like there is no tomorrow, and who would do anything for me. I’ve been hurt probably not enough, yet, but hopefully deeply enough, that I am at least owed that happiness in life.
Alas, it is late now, and I am tired, so, although there is so much more to write about, it is time for bed.
There’s two things occupying the space of my mind tonight; Sam, and school.
Sam is a given these days in terms of taking up space within the realm of my mind, but tonight, I’m not sure if it’s for the best that he finds himself there. He might fly to Sydney and spend the day with me on Wednesday, which I would absolutely love, but in all honesty, I don’t think it will happen. I don’t think he’s committed enough for that. I missed him so much during the weekend, alas I feel that that was generated from myself being lonely, and him being the fall-back option to miss. It could be because I know he won’t come so I’m not allowing myself to get excited, but I’m really not worried if he comes on Wednesday or not, and that is not where he should want my emotions to be; I’m letting go, I’m moving on. I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s not going to work. Until I see him again, maybe. Only time will tell.
The other half of my mind, literally divided down the middle, is, as stated before, school related. I’ve just been on a facebook-stalking-spree of people I went to school with. It’s not really the best idea for me to do this often as it makes me anxious of the path I have chosen through life. Some of my colleagues have gone out into the deep end of the pool, into the real world of life, and made a living for themselves, they’ve got real jobs/ a husband/ children. Me? I’m still flitting through life with no real concrete attachments. In saying that, I have the base of a career, heck, the path I’ve chosen [as I said to Olivia on Friday] is practically Uni for the career I have eventually chosen for myself. I have experienced life, and the world and have developed and changed myself before setting in for the hard yards. I’m doing what I’ve wanted to do with my life; travel, and I can’t worry about the fact that I could be finishing a degree this year, or could have a solid not-entry-level job, or even a husband. It’s not the path I wanted for myself, and it’s about as far from what I have lived as it could be. I figure, by the time reunion comes around, I will have seen more of this world then anyone else (I already have), and will be settled into a career with hopefully at least one house paid off, maybe even a husband and some mini-me’s! Who knows, but although it is exciting, the time for that is not yet. I’m not finished traveling just yet.