The days are rare when everything is working perfectly. Like I read before though, the idea of having shadow where there is sun. The shadow is almost essential to our lives; without shadow, there is no differentiation and hence, no progress.
Right now, there is just a shadow. There is still plenty of sun. Although I feel there is more shadow creeping into my soul then in my life. The shadow brings with it confusion and doubt, and the classic trait of sadness.
I feel like I am losing my depth, and this troubles me greatly, and makes me both sad and disappointed. I wonder if it is possible for a person to lose something that one thought was so intrinsic to their existence and their being? In response, I would say, people change. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. I just hoped that this was an aspect of myself that wouldn’t change.
Perhaps I haven’t lost it, it is still there, it’s just been put to the side for a little while as I have no people on the same level of depth that I can bounce thoughts off of presently. No, I definitely think it is still there, it’s just been on a holiday, but it’s time to get back to work. I want to get back to thinking about the world, and figuring it out, understanding and accepting and that prospect excites me.
In short, I need to focus on myself, I need to get back to being myself. I knew, and I reiterated it to myself when I started dating this guy to stay true to who I am this time, and I’m not. I’m not having enough good, hard core ‘me time’, and I really need that. First port of call, more decent me time. We’re talking a nice hot cup of tea, a notebook, a pen and my mind.
The other thing I find that has changed that I need to un-change is my sensitivity. I feel that I am becoming more and more careless about what I say and do and I really, really don’t like that. I need a humbling experience where it really hits home hard how careful we must be with our words and actions. I’ll aim to take life from the perspective of others, to walk in their shoes and to take care.
And right back on track, I asked my boy what he thinks when he first sees another person, and he replied with a shallow answer - clothes, hair etc. [On a side note, you know when you have that gut feeling it really isn’t right, but don’t have the guts to end it? Yeah. Welcome to right now.] For me, it’s thinking about their life, what do they do with their time, what’s their story, what have their struggles been, their darkest days, I want to get in their head and understand why they are the person that they are today.
Ah, I feel more sunshiney already :)
I’m feeling a bit mixed up at the moment. A bit confused, a bit selfish, a bit sad, and let’s add in some silly too. It’s funny how just one person of the opposite sex can ignite so many emotions at once.
Deal is, I haven’t told him about my plan to return to Canada. Reason being, I believe is I feel that he won’t want to come and won’t see the point in continuing our relationship. Which I know is a terribly silly and mistake-like reason, but I am really enjoying his company and getting to know him; things are going well and I want to see where this could go.
I feel that it’s too much to ask him to come to Canada with me, after just asking him to uproot his life and move to the snow with me. And I don’t see that it’s a logical move for him career-wise.
It hit me, and perhaps both of us the other night when we brought up the topic of maybe he won’t get a job at the snow, and what happens then. It made me really sad, and this is where the silly comes in; I knew all along that I was doing these three travel plans, and I think it was a mistake to get involved with someone knowing that I’ll be moving both interstate and overseas.
So I was talking to friend about it over work this morning, and she was explaining, with the help of a story of her sister, how I shouldn’t waste this time now on someone who doesn’t want to do these things with me, someone who can’t take the trials, kind of thing. She was saying how, down the track, if it doesn’t happen to work out, then I’ll be wanting to do all these same things again, but will be older and not have enjoyed the time I had when I had it. That made me realise that I need to put my priorities in order, and traveling and exploring, learning and growing is my first. It’s what I want to do, and it’s who I am. If someone can’t accept that and take that part of me, then they’re not the right person I guess.
All I can do is tell him, and see where he is standing and then just take it from there. Oh joy.
A friend has come to me recently and explained that they received a poor first impression of my lover boy. I’m not sure why, but this both hurts me and makes me sad.
I’m really quite torn in how to handle it. This particular friends opinion matters to me, and I worry that perhaps I’m seeing a different person, or a different side to this boy as he is. The possibility of this boy turning out to be like the last terrifies me. There has been signs, and I said from the start, the first thing he does the same or similar to the old one, and he’s out, and yet he’s still here and I can see myself falling, and getting attached.
In saying all that, it makes me really sad that my friend thinks poorly of my man, and I find myself wondering where in his being that this emotion is coming from, is it jealousy, tiredness, or drunkeness? Or is it actually genuine and I’m being lead on by a boy not unlike the last.
Then, there’s also the defensiveness I feel for my man. How dare my friend say that about him, especially when he barely knows him, and even more especially after how he treated my friend when he’d drunk himself blind.
Ugh so much injustice.
I think this is just going to be a small post, I have a limited amount of time before the boy arrives.
What I need, is a reality check, or a holiday. Either could work.
Currently, I do not like the person I am being, the person I am showing to the people around me. This is not me. Right back to square one before I went overseas, and people wonder why I hate this country. It just makes me a bad person, but that is no excuse.
I just need to take a step out of my head, and get back to basics; back to love and kindness and patience. I know saying it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen, but I’m going to try making a commitment to myself again, and really knuckle down on this because this is more important to me than anything else. There needs to be no more negative words, about anyone or anything, no matter what. I need to keep that in mind especially as I start this new job, to keep an open mind and a cool, calm attitude.
And then, in terms of this relationship, just be careful; I can see myself starting to get attached and I know what happens once I’m attached, and I don’t like it. I think I just need to keep an eye on how much ‘me time’ I’m getting, how connected and in tune with myself I’m feeling and be sure I’m being a person that is truly myself and someone that I both like and want to be. I don’t want and can’t let someone else influence who I am again.
Remember, NO MEAN WORDS. ONLY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Well, tonight was as awkward as I had imagined it would be, and as unsuccesful as I hoped it wouldn’t.
I was invited, and told I was infact wanted there, so I showed up, being both polite and hoping that the bridge to our friendship could be rebuilt. I was greeted with a glance, and farewelled with a forced hug and smile. So, where was the rebuilding I find myself asking; why was my presence required if I was to be cold shouldered all night?
I’m not really sure how I feel about the whole ordeal. I’m a bit disappointed, but although I was hoping that things might have gone better and our friendship be re-kindled, I also expected them not to go so well, and am not surprised that it didn’t go better. I guess it’s been so long since we’ve talked that it’s a bit old now, I’m over it, things were said, and that’s that. It’s all been put to rest.
I was saddened by it though. Just by how close you can be to someone, how much you can value their friendship, the memories that you share, and how easily some can just throw those things away. It’s hard to take something good away from those situations; I feel like the moral of the story is not to care too much and not to get attached to people because people leave but that’s not a positive outcome. I think, in hinesight, the lesson is more the opposite, to always care no matter what, to almost care too much. Yes, you’ll probably be hurt but at least the other party should know they are loved, and when it comes down to it, that’s the most important thing.
However, now I am faced with puting this lesson into practice. This boy. Such dangerous territory, I can already feel myself falling. It feels more right this time, but even so, I am so wary. I think I just need to keep my emotions in check, to make sure I am acting in a way that I like, and that I am staying true to myself, and to not let it get to the point where I need him. I need to be able to be alone, and not talk to him, and not miss him. I can tell you already that when [if] it ends it’s going to hurt, and I don’t think there’s much I can do about that. I guess we just everything I have into it, treat him well, and care lots and whatever happens, happens.